May Trigger.
8th February 2004,
21:25
Ive told David that I was Schizophrenic and that I was going to see a Psychiatrist on Tuesday. He seemed to take it well enough. I mentioned my Depression as well which he knew about anyway because I told him before. I think Sean might suffer from Depression as well. I cant say whether its to the same extent as mine but it seems like he has it. He said that Sarah had mentioned to him that we had a chat about cutting before. Which kind of upset me really because I didnt want her to tell anyone David also thinks that Sarah might be Schizophrenic. Shed told me that she thought she could be. I had that idea to. Jessica told me earlier that my depression seems to be getting stabilised. I dont think so. My mind is doing back flips and Im cutting myself just as much as I did before I got together with Jessica. Im becoming suicidal again and that had calmed down almost to the point of stopping. But its back. I dont know what to do about it. Im losing hope. Im getting to the point where I dont want anyone help me, where I dont want to be saved from the darkness. Because theres just no point.
17th February 2004,
06:21
It looks like I might be off work for a few days. I have a stomach bug. Im going to ring up for an appointment to see a doctor later on and hopefully Ill get an appointment today. Work wont be very happy with me not going in but what can I do? Jessica and I have split up AGAIN. In the early hours of the 15th February. I just couldnt do it. She told me one second that she had to let me go even though she didnt want to because she didnt want to play tug-o-war with my mum over me then she started saying things that made it sound like she was making me choose between her and my mum. Now if she wanted to keep me she shouldnt have done that. The thing is I dont want to live with her or my mum and she basically said its one or the other, her or my mum. I love her more than anything but Im not being made to choose again. At least Rose has got what she wanted. Her mum all to herself again. I didnt realise breaking up with someone could hurt so much. At least now I can work my way out of my Depression slowly and take any changes to my life slowly. Thats where it most likely went wrong before. Instead of taking it slowly I just dived in head first. Not thinking about the consequences. I should have gotten to know Jessica better before I fell in love with her, but what can you do? You cant choose who you fall in love with or how long it takes you to fall in love with that person. I am more than grateful that I had the chance to love someone and for someone to love me. That is one thing I am truly thankful for. I will always love Jessica no matter what. At least now that I have a few days off work I have the chance to think things over properly. Its going to take me a while to let go but hopefully I will do one day. At least now I know what it feels like to love someone with all my heart.
13:00
It definitely feels like I have done the right thing by leaving Jessica. I feel free now. It feels nasty of me to say that but its true. Im able to do what I want again. Im not being thrown back and forth between houses and I dont feel like I have to answer to anyone again. I needed to work slowly at making changes to my life. I know thisll sound strange but I need to be able walk to Featherstone whenever I like basically there are places I need to go to think and be by myself and I cant just let go of it just like that. So far the urge to cut myself has died down and the same about suicide. Not a lot but enough. Im not promising they wont come back just as strong or stronger. I now know after so long waiting what it feels like to love and be loved something I never thought Id ever feel. I just hope that the next time will be easier. If there is a next time. But at least now I have hope that there will be a next time. Ive been to see a Psychiatrist. Dr Meakin was who I saw. He told me he doesnt think Im Schizophrenic or Manic Depressive. Just that I have Depression and Emotional Difficulties. Im being referred to a Psychotherapist at the Woodland Unit in Narborough which would you believe is where Jessica lives. Narborough not the Woodland Unit. I wont take his word for it at the minute because this is the 2nd time Ive seen him in a year & . So I dont think hes seen me enough times to make a full diagnosis.
22nd February 2004
16:44
I took an overdose Wednesday night. 32 Carbamezapine tablets. I was taken to hospital. It was Jessica that rang NHS Direct and took me to the hospital. I am now a suicide risk. Im still feeling the after effects of the overdose. It was after Jessica started sending nasty texts and I mean really nasty. After everything that has happened I just lost it. Mum knows about it, so does David. Mum came into my room and started crying and admitted to me that she didnt understand my depression. THAT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE START!!!!! I shouldnt have told her about my depression it was easier to deal with before at least I had myself a routine before now thats completely stuffed. Not all because of my mum mind, because of Jessica to. Im glad I had the experience of love, its what I needed but the person that I fell in love with and the situation got to much for me, I guess I wasnt as ready for it as I thought. One day itll all be alright, one day. At least now Ive got some sort of hope back. I wont be taking overdoses for a while I can tell you that. Its completely stuffed me up. What I need is for people to be there for me when I need them. As much as I want to talk to Sean about all this. I dont feel I should do. Because it seems like he has depression as well and itd kill him to hear about some of the things Ive done and doing.
6th March 2004
20:32
The after effects of the overdose have gone. Im still feeling sick whenever I take any of my normal pills though. Not surprised really after the way I felt when I first took the overdose. Jessica hit me a few days ago. It was for cutting my arms up. She said she was angry and that Id been a bad boy. She said she wanted to hit me shortly before she did and I thought she was joking so I said hit me if you want but it wont hurt and then she actually hit me. I was shocked and I tried to cover up the fact that I was upset. Looks like I did a good job of it as well because Jessica seems to be carrying as normal. She doesnt seem to realise what damage shes done. She was the one that told me that the only way I could stop cutting was if I was content within myself. Shes a fully qualified Psychologist as well so youd think shed come up with a different way of handling it. She knows about my past and that my dad used to hit me so why would she do this? So Im not talking to her anymore. Shes been texting me off and on all day. Ive no credit on my phone so I cant reply even if I wanted to. Ive put my phone to voice mail so she cant ring me either although she has left me one voice message today.
8th February 2004,
21:25
Ive told David that I was Schizophrenic and that I was going to see a Psychiatrist on Tuesday. He seemed to take it well enough. I mentioned my Depression as well which he knew about anyway because I told him before. I think Sean might suffer from Depression as well. I cant say whether its to the same extent as mine but it seems like he has it. He said that Sarah had mentioned to him that we had a chat about cutting before. Which kind of upset me really because I didnt want her to tell anyone David also thinks that Sarah might be Schizophrenic. Shed told me that she thought she could be. I had that idea to. Jessica told me earlier that my depression seems to be getting stabilised. I dont think so. My mind is doing back flips and Im cutting myself just as much as I did before I got together with Jessica. Im becoming suicidal again and that had calmed down almost to the point of stopping. But its back. I dont know what to do about it. Im losing hope. Im getting to the point where I dont want anyone help me, where I dont want to be saved from the darkness. Because theres just no point.
17th February 2004,
06:21
It looks like I might be off work for a few days. I have a stomach bug. Im going to ring up for an appointment to see a doctor later on and hopefully Ill get an appointment today. Work wont be very happy with me not going in but what can I do? Jessica and I have split up AGAIN. In the early hours of the 15th February. I just couldnt do it. She told me one second that she had to let me go even though she didnt want to because she didnt want to play tug-o-war with my mum over me then she started saying things that made it sound like she was making me choose between her and my mum. Now if she wanted to keep me she shouldnt have done that. The thing is I dont want to live with her or my mum and she basically said its one or the other, her or my mum. I love her more than anything but Im not being made to choose again. At least Rose has got what she wanted. Her mum all to herself again. I didnt realise breaking up with someone could hurt so much. At least now I can work my way out of my Depression slowly and take any changes to my life slowly. Thats where it most likely went wrong before. Instead of taking it slowly I just dived in head first. Not thinking about the consequences. I should have gotten to know Jessica better before I fell in love with her, but what can you do? You cant choose who you fall in love with or how long it takes you to fall in love with that person. I am more than grateful that I had the chance to love someone and for someone to love me. That is one thing I am truly thankful for. I will always love Jessica no matter what. At least now that I have a few days off work I have the chance to think things over properly. Its going to take me a while to let go but hopefully I will do one day. At least now I know what it feels like to love someone with all my heart.
13:00
It definitely feels like I have done the right thing by leaving Jessica. I feel free now. It feels nasty of me to say that but its true. Im able to do what I want again. Im not being thrown back and forth between houses and I dont feel like I have to answer to anyone again. I needed to work slowly at making changes to my life. I know thisll sound strange but I need to be able walk to Featherstone whenever I like basically there are places I need to go to think and be by myself and I cant just let go of it just like that. So far the urge to cut myself has died down and the same about suicide. Not a lot but enough. Im not promising they wont come back just as strong or stronger. I now know after so long waiting what it feels like to love and be loved something I never thought Id ever feel. I just hope that the next time will be easier. If there is a next time. But at least now I have hope that there will be a next time. Ive been to see a Psychiatrist. Dr Meakin was who I saw. He told me he doesnt think Im Schizophrenic or Manic Depressive. Just that I have Depression and Emotional Difficulties. Im being referred to a Psychotherapist at the Woodland Unit in Narborough which would you believe is where Jessica lives. Narborough not the Woodland Unit. I wont take his word for it at the minute because this is the 2nd time Ive seen him in a year & . So I dont think hes seen me enough times to make a full diagnosis.
22nd February 2004
16:44
I took an overdose Wednesday night. 32 Carbamezapine tablets. I was taken to hospital. It was Jessica that rang NHS Direct and took me to the hospital. I am now a suicide risk. Im still feeling the after effects of the overdose. It was after Jessica started sending nasty texts and I mean really nasty. After everything that has happened I just lost it. Mum knows about it, so does David. Mum came into my room and started crying and admitted to me that she didnt understand my depression. THAT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE START!!!!! I shouldnt have told her about my depression it was easier to deal with before at least I had myself a routine before now thats completely stuffed. Not all because of my mum mind, because of Jessica to. Im glad I had the experience of love, its what I needed but the person that I fell in love with and the situation got to much for me, I guess I wasnt as ready for it as I thought. One day itll all be alright, one day. At least now Ive got some sort of hope back. I wont be taking overdoses for a while I can tell you that. Its completely stuffed me up. What I need is for people to be there for me when I need them. As much as I want to talk to Sean about all this. I dont feel I should do. Because it seems like he has depression as well and itd kill him to hear about some of the things Ive done and doing.
6th March 2004
20:32
The after effects of the overdose have gone. Im still feeling sick whenever I take any of my normal pills though. Not surprised really after the way I felt when I first took the overdose. Jessica hit me a few days ago. It was for cutting my arms up. She said she was angry and that Id been a bad boy. She said she wanted to hit me shortly before she did and I thought she was joking so I said hit me if you want but it wont hurt and then she actually hit me. I was shocked and I tried to cover up the fact that I was upset. Looks like I did a good job of it as well because Jessica seems to be carrying as normal. She doesnt seem to realise what damage shes done. She was the one that told me that the only way I could stop cutting was if I was content within myself. Shes a fully qualified Psychologist as well so youd think shed come up with a different way of handling it. She knows about my past and that my dad used to hit me so why would she do this? So Im not talking to her anymore. Shes been texting me off and on all day. Ive no credit on my phone so I cant reply even if I wanted to. Ive put my phone to voice mail so she cant ring me either although she has left me one voice message today.
