Yuku free message boards

and this one

When children in the playground taunt
Tease you
Big nose, four eyes, skinny, fat
Tall, short, black, white
Clever, thick, studious, teacher's pet
Poor, rich, ugly, loner
Rationally you can take those comments
Rationally they are wrong
Rationally they don't matter
Other people tell it differently
Sometimes
But still, the words destroy
Self esteem, confidence, social status
Acceptance, friendships, whole lives
Shattered by words
It's called bullying
And people generally accept that despite the blatent inaccuracies
Of many of the comments
They are still powerfully destructive

So why
Is it so hard to understand
That internal mocking taunting voices
Persistant negative and destructive thoughts
Are equally damaging
And difficult to ignore
In fact, more so

You can't hide from yourself
There is nowhere to hide
No escape
No safe haven
Continuous, unrelenting internal negativity
That grinds and wears down an inbuilt defence mechanism
Until one day
The clear boundaries around one's old identity become smudged, indistinct
No way to distinguish between truth and lies
Internal foundations weakened
The external shell crumbles in on itself

And all everyone seems to say
"But she had such a good life"
Asked why she would want to do such a thing to herself
"Because it hurts less"

Something I found Ruth wrote to another girl before she had told anyone she was struggling at uni with odd ideas re food and self image stuff

She was a lovely young woman...


"I guess it's different for me, coz no-one in real life knows anything, I haven't told anyone, so no-one is telling me what to do. Somehow though, I do still feel out of control. That I don't get to make decisions. Then I put down everything on paper. Look and show myself what I did decide. What I made a good choice about. Anything positive at all. Like for example, you making the decision to post here has helped me, because I feel less lonely, and I also feel like I can help you too. That makes me feel that there is a point in me being here.

That probably doesn't make any sense at all, I'm sorry. Maybe it's better expressed by a poem a friend sent me once.

Somebody somewhere laughs when you smile
Thinking of you shows them life is worthwhile
So when you're lonely and feeling blue
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you

Sometimes just the smallest things actually help other people. I remember two Christmases ago I got this headband that had kinda antlers with tinsel on the end, hard to really describe it, but it looked really funny. Anyway, I decided that to get everyone in the Christmas spirit (coz it was coming up to January AS exams and everyone was a bit stressed) I was going to wear these things all day for the whole last week of term.

I remember getting off the bus one day on the way home from college, and a lady walking along the street was looking at me. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Then she said to me, "You know what, I thought nothing would make me smile today. Thank you." That is a special memory that I will hold onto forever. Every time you make someone smile, you do something important. Every time you pick up a piece of litter, you make the life of the cleaner that little bit easier. Every time you put your change in a charity collection box, you help someone. I am certain there are other people besides me you have helped. Even if there really isn't anyone else you have helped, you helped me. And I want to say thank you for that.

:gimmehug
Ruth

PS, I don't think you're off your head"

www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/lifefi...ruth.shtml
possibly some of you would like to see what she looked like?
This is a link to the BBC website she wrote for when she first went to uni in 2003 as a disabled student
Seems like a lifetime ago

Glad you replied. I think the ouch website has some really interesting stuff on it. There is a lady with mental health issues who does articles from time to time which are good and sometimes links to other forums and sites that are useful. Also keeps you updated re disability and the news headlines which I like. Damon the editor was very good to Ruth and has been very kind to us since she became unwell. He also has written some very amusing articles esp re his guide dogs. I found out about this site from Ouch too